Guest Opinion: How to respond to difficult conversation
Stamatelos
BY KIM STAMATELOS & ASHLEY TOLLAKSON | Attorneys and mediators, Stamatelos & Tollakson PLLC
This is the second piece in a two-part series by Ashley Tollakson and Kimberly Stamatelos. Part one, which published last week, focused on initiating difficult conversations.
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In the last issue we talked about how to initiate a difficult conversation. What if you are not the initiator, but the recipient of tough news or accusations? How do you respond?
1. Listen closely. A tough conversation might come out of the blue at an unexpected time. If it does, the most important thing is to tune in as quickly as you can to hear what is being said. That may be difficult if you feel a strong emotional reaction at the outset of the conversation.
2. Validate feelings before you respond. “It sounds like you are really disappointed; I understand how you might feel that way,” or a similar statement, lets the
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initiator know that you “get it.” Their feelings are valid for them. Whether their position is correct is another story. Pivoting into defensiveness or attack, or telling them they should not feel the way they feel, gets you nowhere and diminishes your credibility.
3. A difficult conversation is not a “fight.” Men can talk frankly to each other all day long, and it’s natural. Because women have not been as exposed to direct conversations, we tend to think it’s a “fight,” leading us to get into “attack” mode. Instead, breathe and adjust your mindset welcoming the conversation as an opportunity for better understanding.
4. Don’t shut down or become angry or defensive.The minute you take the content personally, you have lost the opportunity for growth and clarity. Instead, focus on the problem. Your personal hurts can be triggered, creating insight for you on unhealed wounds that could use further work later. By focusing on the problem and not the people, you will avoid a response that leads to conflict or drama.
5. Let the initiator know you understand, and only then explain your perspective. Giving your side of things out of the gate minimizes your effectiveness and only makes you look defensive. It’s helpful to state the problem as you have heard it from the initiator before you begin to describe things from your point of view. Once it’s your turn, breathe throughout your explanation and speak as slowly as possible so that you can be clearly understood.
6. Apologies are magical if they are sincere. An apology can be critical in some circumstances. You may feel you did nothing wrong, but if your action or inaction let someone down, even acknowledgement of that fact is powerful. “I am so sorry my actions upset you; our friendship is important to me” or “I apologize for misunderstanding the work assignment; I didn’t mean to let down the team.”
7. Investigate how to move forward. Asking how to repair a situation is perhaps the most critical reaction to a difficult conversation. The simple question “How can I make it right?” can move the problem toward resolution.
Failing to rise to the occasion of a difficult conversation can hold back your personal and professional development. Handling it in a healthy way opens the door to tremendous personal growth, and positions you for handling similar conversations in a meaningful way.
Kimberly Stamatelos has more than 34 years’ legal experience as a practicing attorney. She received her bachelor’s degree and her Juris Doctor from Drake University. She is a trained life coach and an adjunct law professor at Drake University. She also is a founding member of the Central Iowa Association of Collaborative Professionals and the Central Iowa Association of Parenting Coordinators. She also is a volunteer attorney and mediator through Polk County Volunteer Lawyer Program. She lives in West Des Moines. She can be reached via email.
Ashley Tollakson grew up in West Des Moines and is a graduate of the University of Iowa and of Drake University Law School. After law school, she worked as an associate attorney for Hartung & Schroeder, a general practice firm located in Des Moines. In May 2015 she partnered with Kim Stamatelos, and together they formed Stamatelos & Tollakson PLLC. Their firm is committed to reclaiming the practice of law as a healing profession. Tollakson currently lives in Des Moines with her husband and their two children. Connect with her on LinkedIn or via email.
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