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TRANSITIONS: Don’t get your hopes up

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In 2011, our federal government flirted with the idea of default, talked about cutting spending – even though what it meant to say was “slow the scheduled increases in spending” – lost a notch on our national credit rating, handed its problems to a hapless “supercommittee,” struggled to extend a tax break that everybody wanted and didn’t have the nerve to get rid of 100-watt incandescent light bulbs.

But 2012 will be different. In a presidential election year, it’s hard to get much done.

However, here are some of the things that will happen anyway.

The presidential candidates will depart from Iowa for the last time, but not before gathering at Stephen Bloom’s house to share their favorite campaign trail photos of waste-toids and meth addicts.

We’ll complain about our crumbling roads while vowing to crush the political career of anyone who suggests higher taxes. Come on, couldn’t the various government entities pull in some extra money on the weekends? I’m picturing the Des Moines City Council in a production of “Brigadoon,” and I’m reaching for my credit card.

In 2012, business leaders will insist that the burden of government regulation is strangling the economy, although none of them will object to the provisions about writing off the CEO’s company car.

Health insurance premiums will continue to rise. Sales of the Double Whopper with cheese won’t do too badly, either.

In 2012, as thousands of young men suffer concussions while playing football, congressmen representing the Southeastern Conference will suggest revising the Declaration of Independence to uphold “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Forgetfulness.”

The typical cable or satellite TV subscriber will pay about $100 to help cover ESPN’s $27 billion contract with the National Football League. Albert Pujols will begin to collect on his $254 million contract to play baseball in Los Angeles. Your children will demand cash up front before a session of Wii tennis.

Not definite, but possible: The major religions finally take the first steps toward a playoff system.

In 2012, state legislatures will scramble to find more money for education amid concerns that our children lag behind the students in other nations. We’ll retain our edge in online shooting games, though, so it’s not a huge deal.

Sometime in the next 12 months, a drone operated from Las Vegas will put a Hellfire missile through some guy’s chest in Pakistan. We’ll cross a name off a list and then think, “Or was that his brother?”

Digital media will spread like a more time-consuming version of the bubonic plague. Young women will suddenly realize that, compared with childbirth, it sounds like a lot more fun to raise a simulated family with a smartphone app.

Television will get one notch raunchier in 2012, dropping the “family hour” to a level once found only among combat troops. Moviemakers will follow suit, and the “Toy Story” series finally will be free to depict graphic Hasbro-on-Mattel relations. American parents might react differently, but they still don’t quite understand this Hulu deal.

As usual, weather concerns will haunt the Midwestern corn crop. As usual, farmers will harvest one of the two or three biggest corn crops in history. Then it’s off to their annual convention at a secret tropical resort where the rooms look just like combine cabs.

On Dec. 21, the world won’t come to an end as predicted by the Mayan calendar. The company holding the publishing rights to this item will try to unload its inventory by adding extremely cute pictures of ancient Mesoamerican kittens.

Ordinary citizens who spent as if they were doomed also will make adjustments. Dec. 22 will be an excellent day to check Craigslist for a good deal on a yacht.

Jim Pollock is the managing editor of the Des Moines Business Record. He can be reached by email at jimpollock@bpcdm.com

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