Aaah, springtime on the hobby farm, that magical season when fresh, green dollar bills burst forth from our bank account and land in somebody else’s.

This time around, we needed a new lawn mower. A big one to complete our set: a walking mower that hasn’t worked for a couple of years, another walking mower I bought the day President Reagan was shot, the small lawn tractor that leaks and leans and the bigger but even more ancient lawn tractor. Plus two farm-sized mowers and a tractor to drag them around.

In other words, we’ve spent the equivalent of a trip to Hawaii and a couple of Caribbean cruises just trying to keep grass short.

Then we decided that two huge trees in the front yard were not just taking some time off but were, in fact, dead. I retired from tree-felling when the natural good luck of early adulthood wore out and I started developing friendships at the emergency room. So we hired a professional, and he handed us a bill that suggested a week in New York City.

We’re thinking about finding somebody to grind up the stumps, which would probably run no more than the cost of a typical Christmas. Or, we could just wait for them to disappear on their own and mow around them for the next 40 years. I’m sure the time will fly.

Also, I needed a trailer so I could clean up several tons of unrecognizable (to me) machinery parts and haul them to the metal recycler. Did you know that they don’t pay for metal? Interesting business concept: They allow you to give it to them, and then they sell it. You might want to use that tip the next time you shop for raw materials. Oh, and did you know that a trailer at an auction costs $800?

Whereas most families can get by with a lawn cart, we needed a wagon to haul corn for my daughter’s cows. Did you know that a used wagon at an auction also costs $800? Although the other bidders were nice enough to tell me that they had seen the same type go for a lot less.

The conservation plan calls for trees in a spot by the creek, but my plan to let Mother Nature handle the job was rejected by the government. Ma Nature is lovable and all that, but apparently she just doesn’t have enough experience at growing things. So we mowed off the sturdy batch of trees that had already sprung up, planted dinky saplings in their place, and spent a couple hundred dollars on a water tank to prepare for the inevitable drought. I want those trees to be nice and healthy when the deer gnaw them down to the ground.

We bought a few of the many steel gates we need. Now we need to hire someone to rebuild the fences alongside those gates. And it’s time to stop at the elevator and buy another $50 gallon of herbicide to commence this year’s battle with the multiflora roses.

I used to drive past shabby-looking farms and feel sorry for those poor folks. Now when I see an unpainted barn or a field full of weeds, I figure the owners are wisely spending their money on small sailboats and weekends in Chicago.