By Sarah Noll Wilson | Leadership coach

Much of our success depends on the quality of our relationships (unless you live off the land in the woods by yourself, which isn’t you if you are reading this). Think about all the relationships in your life that influence your success, health and happiness. How many did you come up with? 25? 50? 100? More? When you count your direct relationships (i.e., family, friends, co-workers) and indirect relationships (doctors, mail delivery, grocers, and so on), the list grows quite quickly.

Now I want you to think about what happens when you start a new relationship. Let’s say you start working with a client or a co-worker. How does it start? Be honest. If you are like most people (including me), you jump into the work without tending to the relationship. Most of us focus on the task instead of the togetherness.

The relationship usually doesn’t get attention until there is a problem. The challenge with this is that the damage is already done, and many are not equipped to have the candid conversations needed to clarify and heal. When tension arises, we either accept it, deal with it, resent it, or passive-aggressive it. (Yes, I just made that a phrase.)

What can we do differently? We can take time up front to talk about and design how we will work together. The first time I experienced this was working with an executive coach from San Francisco. On our first official call, I was all ready to talk about my challenges and aspirations, when my coach said, “First we are going to talk about us, and how we work together.” Huh? She then proceeded to ask me questions I’d never been asked before in a relationship. As you read them, I want you to think about how these might impact your relationships if you asked them up front.

• What would make this a powerful partnership for you?
• What should I know about your style? Here is what you should know about my style…
• What makes you prickly? How do you want me to show up in those moments?
• How will we hold each other responsible for showing up at our best?

At that moment, after years of having a front-row view of many dysfunctional relationships in my work, it dawned on me that relationships don’t fail just because of differences. Relationships fail because we don’t talk about those differences and design how we will work through, leverage and support those differences. Relationships fail because we confuse good intentions with being intentional.

Next time you start a new relationship, instead of leaving it to chance, take time to design how you will work together. Because sometimes to go fast, we have to start slow.  

Sarah Noll Wilson is on a mission to change the epidemic of bad managers. She helps leaders close the gap between what they intend to do and the actual impact they make. Sarah creates a safe but unreservedly honest environment, preparing managers to deal with real-world conflict, have more meaningful conversations, create purposeful relationships and develop innovative and adaptable workplaces. She has a master’s degree in leadership development from Drake University, is certified as a Leadership and Conversational Intelligence Coach, and hosts a biweekly web series for managers called “Manager Minute or Two!”