This first impression we make is deemed SO important that we often are advised how best to do it to be ensured of a positive outcome. These advisements normally involve providing some clear instructions of what to do and what not to do, some of which include the following: make good eye contact, carefully select the appropriate attire, smile and show genuine interest in others, and be well-practiced on the opening line or ice-breaker phrase to get a conversation started.  

You can probably think of just as many things you have been told not to do as well. Regardless, we are all very conscientious and aware in most of our new encounters, which may or may not bring a considerable degree of anxiety. I would guess we all think of it from time to time and hope to make a good first impression.

I have come to realize, however, that sometimes no matter how well an individual is thoughtful in displaying these suggested tactics, the outcome is not always consistent with that genuine effort to “get it right.” We are all aware of the instances in which something goes terribly wrong in that first encounter. And, I bet most of you can share your own personal examples of that awful and conflicted first meeting. 

It is not always clear what goes so wrong but it is usually a feeling — that warm flush, that gut-punched feeling, that if only you had a chance for a do-over, you would take it. The circumstances matter as well: for instance, if it was just a casual, chance meeting with someone you will likely not ever meet again, then no big deal, right? However, if the circumstance warrants repeated encounters and it did not go well the first time, it may be difficult to recover and hit the re-set button. Agonizing over what could be done to reclaim what was lost tends to haunt even those who typically do this quite well.

It is that feeling in the pit of your stomach that you get when you think you “bombed” that first impression. Perhaps it was a non-verbal affirmation — the person simply turned away, rolled their eyes, or made sure to avoid any further contact. You often hear the phrase that someone was “turned off,” “rubbed the wrong way,” or perhaps even “left hanging,” phrases which all depict a “bad” first encounter.

One might ask, so just why is that first impression so important? And can someone influence and control the outcome if they follow the suggested advice?  

In general, I believe everyone has a fair chance of following some basic approaches to the “meet and greet” that will help to generate a positive outcome. Most people will respond very positively to the individual who comes dressed appropriately, makes good eye contact, and who then exudes enthusiasm and positivity in that first encounter. We expect that others will reciprocate and smile back, nod approvingly and show interest that matches our efforts.

But, suppose that is not what happens. Is the reciprocation not there because we “bombed” or did we just get into the cross-hairs of the other person’s biases? You may never know the reason but I wonder if the response to others in those first encounters is more related to unconscious and perhaps uncontrollable biases.  

For instance, did you get the “cold shoulder” from that other individual because they had negative experiences with someone who just happened to look like you, sound like you or came from the same place as you? Could it be that personal biases against people based on gender, ethnicity, religion or sexual orientation shape that first impression? I believe so. The question is just how aware are we that the personal biases are impacting what we do or say, and what the ultimate outcome will be of that encounter.

Even more concerning are views out there being touted to indicate that some individuals actually have the ability to read people and situations so well that it only takes a “blink of an eye” to discern personal attributes and qualities of individuals — a gut instinct.  

This idea of the “power of thinking without thinking” as described in the recently published book by Malcom Gladwell, titled “Blink,” posits that we think without thinking and in an “instant in the blink of an eye” we make impressions and choices.

Gladwell has researched and written about a very interesting theory, which clearly may have some merit because we can all relate to that “gut instinct.” However, it is what we do with our gut reactions and how people may use that against someone else that gives me pause.

I would like to believe that regardless of the circumstances and the environment we may find ourselves in, everyone has a chance to “put their best foot forward.” We should learn to recognize our own biases, acknowledge the “blink-of-an-eye” perception we may get in our first encounter, but refrain from passing judgment until we have a chance to be more discerning as more information comes in.

I hope others will use caution in making snap judgments because to do so hampers any genuine effort to build rapport with those who may not fit the mold of previous encounters. It is okay to acknowledge that gut instinct but give people a chance to make a good first impression. They have no idea what biased cross-hairs they may have stepped into. We all recognize it can happen, but I believe it is best to give people the benefit of the doubt. 

I can clearly think of the times I wished I could have had another first chance to be validated. Most people have had similar experiences. So, remember that the next time you blink, and are prepared to make a judgment call on someone you are meeting for the first time. That individual is likely reading your reaction, feeling the biased cold shoulder and agonizing over the encounter, hoping for the opportunity to make another first impression.