The United States hasn’t invaded Canada lately, so I don’t know much about the place. But in school we did learn that when Dante wanted to describe the ninth circle of hell, he sent away for some brochures from the Northwest Territories.

Just seeing a flock of Canada geese or mowing a patch of Canada thistles is enough to make me shiver. The time I met former Edmonton Oilers hockey superstar Wayne Gretzky at the Kentucky Derby, it was like falling through the ice at Twin Anchors Lake in Colo all over again.

And yet, when Mercer made a list of the most livable cities in North America, the Canadian cities with the fewest moose attacks per capita took the top four spots. And Des Moines – livable, lovable Des Moines – didn’t make the cut.

All of those caucus reports on national TV; all of those Raygun T-shirts. Still we’re ignored.

A few years ago, we wouldn’t have noticed the snub, but now we have high expectations. Actually, we’re trying to learn how to be jerks about it all, but it isn’t easy, so we’re bringing in experts from New Jersey.

Des Moines has been named the best place for business and careers, the best place to raise a family, the best place for young professionals and, unless I’m remembering incorrectly, the best place to see a historical exhibit featuring “The Floppy Show.”

All of which certainly seems to add up to “livability.”

Clearly, one prejudice driving the list is that big cities have cornered the market on this quality. After the top four we find Honolulu and San Francisco – hard to argue, as long as your salary reaches seven figures – and then another Canadian outpost, Calgary. Maybe the listmakers define culture as equal parts entertainment, restaurants and frost heave.

Then it’s Boston, Chicago, Washington, D.C., and New York City before finishing with the relatively pleasant Seattle. They’re defining “livable” as “lots of people to date, steal from or blame.” They didn’t deduct points for the correlation between population density and shell casings on the sidewalks.

Mercer casts this net every year, and it’s obvious that the survey takers also have a vested interest in injuries caused by snowblowers and icy sidewalks. Got enough orthopedic surgeons on your list of experts, there, Mercer?

Come on, even Stephen Bloom would find Greater Des Moines to be wonderfully livable. Between the combine demolition derbies and the excellent access to anhydrous ammonia tanks for meth production, we’ve got it all.

Let’s try to learn from the experience and understand where we fell short. Let’s check some of the other Mercer categories.

Economic environment. Good, although you want to be cautious around here when someone proposes a real estate development deal. Make certain that it involves actual land and not just bags of potting soil.

Consumer goods. More than adequate. You can buy shoes almost anywhere, although no one is willing to crouch down and figure out your foot size, and the toothpaste selection in our finer supermarkets includes regular, whitening, tartar control, sensitivity, mint, gel and extra-crispy.

Public services and transportation. Excellent, except for high air fares and unreliable steamboat service to downtown from Saylorville. All you really need around here is a car with a deer-repelling force field.

You don’t have to have professional sports and a wide selection of Finnish-Argentinian restaurants to have a livable city.

Mercer left out a lot of important factors where we score highly. Des Moines is a city with reasonable traffic, friendly people and relatively few hurricanes.

The crows seem to love it.

Jim Pollock is the managing editor of the Des Moines Business Record. He can be reached by email at jimpollock@bpcdm.com